Our First Interview
The discussion that I have heard surrounding this
news story
What a crock!
The true victim of this was the severed member, but are the news agencies bothering to ask him how he feels about this whole thing? Is anybody concerned with his feelings? They refer to him as the "severed penis" as if he suddenly became a non-entity because he was no longer attached to a man, who according to all reports was a Grade-A idiot.
So, in an effort to set the record straight, I arranged for a short phone-interview with the "true victim" so that he could finally have the opportunity to tell his own story. Obviously his name has been changed to protect his privacy.
Angry Talking Penis: First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to us. I imagine it's a particularly trying time for you.
John Thomas: Yes, it is, but I really appreciate the concern.
ATP: So, how are you doing today?
JT: Today is better, but it's been rough. Thank God for morphine.
ATP: How did this all start?
JT: First off, I want to say this was not any of my doing? Yes, I was involved, but I have to say that it was under protest. I mean, I was only doing my job.
ATP: I understand.
JT: We're living with these two women. Nice ladies. He's been married to the aunt for a while now. I got no complaints.
ATP: Uh-huh.
JT: But then the niece moves in. They're trying to help her get settled and all, but after a while he starts trying to make time with the niece. When the wife is away, he comes up with excuses to spend more time with her. At first, she's kind of cool to him, but eventually he starts wearing her down. Before you know it, I'm doing double duty.
ATP: How did you feel about that?
JT: Well, I have to admit that at first, I liked all the attention. It was nice, but after a while it just became stressful.
ATP: How so?
JT: I mean he's not giving me any rest. Every opportunity he has, he's making time with these women. He even still found the energy to tug on me when neither one of them was available. It was just exhausting. I couldn't catch a break.
ATP: He was insatiable.
JT: No, he's a god damned idiot. Look, I know that I'm just a penis, but even I know that screwing around with two women at the same time can only lead to trouble. But to screw around with relatives? Under the same roof? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was going to end bad? Jeez, I don't even have a brain and I knew this was going to be a train wreck.
ATP: What did you do?
JT: What could I do? I mean I get erect. That's what I do. That's what I'm built for. It doesn't mean that I've got to get used every time it happens. People have been blaming me as if it was my fault. But I'm not the one with two legs. Hell, if I was a biped I would have walked away from this mess a long time ago.
ATP: So, what happened that night?
JT: Well, the wife had found out about them and he had to move out.
ATP: So, you were finally able to get some rest?
JT: Hell no, he was still screwing around with both of them.
ATP: Unbelievable. The two women were still living together?
JT: Yeah, but finally the wife had enough and told him that he had to put an end to his relationship with the niece. So, he goes to the house and tells her that it's over and she just loses it. He'd been making all these promises to her for the past year, talking about leaving his wife and all that. She's pissed. She's screaming, throwing things. I wanted to get the hell out.
ATP: And then?
JT: He's finally calms her down and she's crying and then she says she wants to make love to him one last time.
ATP: Oh, no.
JT: Tell me about it. I'm all engorged now, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to think about anything else: baseball statistics, laundry detergent, the last episode of American Idol...
ATP: That never works for me. It's our burden in life.
JT: Yeah, well. we end up in the bedroom and suddenly she convinces him to allow her to tie him up and the idiot agrees to it. Hell, I may be only a mass of spongy tissue and veins, but even I know you don't agree to do that when a woman only minutes before was yelling and screaming and threatening to kill you.
ATP: Absolutely.
JT: He's all tied up and then she runs out of the room. Next things you know, she's back with that big ass kitchen knife in her hand.
ATP: Oh my God.
JT: I couldn't shrink back fast enough.
ATP: You must have been terrified.
JT: I didn't have time to be scared. One moment, I'm looking at this big shiny blade and the next moment, I'm staring out from the wrong end of a toilet bowl.
ATP: I'm shuddering.
JT: Then there's this loud roar and the world just starts spinning. I'm going round and round. I'm tumbling end over end and then suddenly everything goes black.
ATP: She flushed you?
JT: Yeah, after all the things I'd done for her. The ingratitude. I mean why the hell did she take it out on me? I'll never understand it. I mean this guy's real problem was sitting on top of his shoulders, not hanging out between his legs.
ATP: Amen. You're preaching to the choir. How'd you manage to not get sent out into the sewer system.
JT: I managed to fix myself into that S-curve in the pipes. I just jammed myself in there. I don't know what I was hoping for, but I just knew that if I let go it was really over for me.
ATP: What were you thinking?
JT: I was surprisingly calm. I wasn't panicked or anything. Despite the stench down there, I managed to somehow make my peace. I don't know how long I was down there, but I was ready to just let it all go, when I heard all this noise. Then next you know, the whole world was shaking and then I was falling in the air and I found myself laying in the bathtub. Someone had taken apart the toilet, turned it over and dropped me into the tub.
ATP: You must have been relieved.
JT: I was never happier to see a pair of strange hands reaching for me. Let me tell you. Though the worst part was when they dropped me in that chest full of ice. Shit, that was cold. If I'd had anything to shrink back into I would have.
ATP: And they managed to reattach you.
JT: To the same fucking idiot I was connected to in the first place. You would have thought they'd find somebody else to connect me to, somebody with a little more god-damned sense, but no. Sometimes, I think I would have been better off in the hole.
ATP: And now you're doing better?
JT: I'm okay, a little depressed, but otherwise I'm fine, though that stupid son of a bitch actually tried to fiddle with me this morning. He should be restrained.
ATP: What would you say is the biggest lesson that you've learned from this?
JT: Besides knowing that I'm connected to the world's biggest nimrod, it has to be the fact that now I don't think that being flaccid is as bad of a thing as I used to think it was. Being a a little limp a little more often would have saved me a lot of trouble.
ATP: Thanks for taking the time to share your story with my readers.
JT: Thank you. It's great to know that our kind finally have a voice. I've got to go. We're due for another hit of morphine. These stitches are killing me.
news story
What a crock!
The true victim of this was the severed member, but are the news agencies bothering to ask him how he feels about this whole thing? Is anybody concerned with his feelings? They refer to him as the "severed penis" as if he suddenly became a non-entity because he was no longer attached to a man, who according to all reports was a Grade-A idiot.
So, in an effort to set the record straight, I arranged for a short phone-interview with the "true victim" so that he could finally have the opportunity to tell his own story. Obviously his name has been changed to protect his privacy.
Angry Talking Penis: First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to us. I imagine it's a particularly trying time for you.
John Thomas: Yes, it is, but I really appreciate the concern.
ATP: So, how are you doing today?
JT: Today is better, but it's been rough. Thank God for morphine.
ATP: How did this all start?
JT: First off, I want to say this was not any of my doing? Yes, I was involved, but I have to say that it was under protest. I mean, I was only doing my job.
ATP: I understand.
JT: We're living with these two women. Nice ladies. He's been married to the aunt for a while now. I got no complaints.
ATP: Uh-huh.
JT: But then the niece moves in. They're trying to help her get settled and all, but after a while he starts trying to make time with the niece. When the wife is away, he comes up with excuses to spend more time with her. At first, she's kind of cool to him, but eventually he starts wearing her down. Before you know it, I'm doing double duty.
ATP: How did you feel about that?
JT: Well, I have to admit that at first, I liked all the attention. It was nice, but after a while it just became stressful.
ATP: How so?
JT: I mean he's not giving me any rest. Every opportunity he has, he's making time with these women. He even still found the energy to tug on me when neither one of them was available. It was just exhausting. I couldn't catch a break.
ATP: He was insatiable.
JT: No, he's a god damned idiot. Look, I know that I'm just a penis, but even I know that screwing around with two women at the same time can only lead to trouble. But to screw around with relatives? Under the same roof? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this was going to end bad? Jeez, I don't even have a brain and I knew this was going to be a train wreck.
ATP: What did you do?
JT: What could I do? I mean I get erect. That's what I do. That's what I'm built for. It doesn't mean that I've got to get used every time it happens. People have been blaming me as if it was my fault. But I'm not the one with two legs. Hell, if I was a biped I would have walked away from this mess a long time ago.
ATP: So, what happened that night?
JT: Well, the wife had found out about them and he had to move out.
ATP: So, you were finally able to get some rest?
JT: Hell no, he was still screwing around with both of them.
ATP: Unbelievable. The two women were still living together?
JT: Yeah, but finally the wife had enough and told him that he had to put an end to his relationship with the niece. So, he goes to the house and tells her that it's over and she just loses it. He'd been making all these promises to her for the past year, talking about leaving his wife and all that. She's pissed. She's screaming, throwing things. I wanted to get the hell out.
ATP: And then?
JT: He's finally calms her down and she's crying and then she says she wants to make love to him one last time.
ATP: Oh, no.
JT: Tell me about it. I'm all engorged now, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to think about anything else: baseball statistics, laundry detergent, the last episode of American Idol...
ATP: That never works for me. It's our burden in life.
JT: Yeah, well. we end up in the bedroom and suddenly she convinces him to allow her to tie him up and the idiot agrees to it. Hell, I may be only a mass of spongy tissue and veins, but even I know you don't agree to do that when a woman only minutes before was yelling and screaming and threatening to kill you.
ATP: Absolutely.
JT: He's all tied up and then she runs out of the room. Next things you know, she's back with that big ass kitchen knife in her hand.
ATP: Oh my God.
JT: I couldn't shrink back fast enough.
ATP: You must have been terrified.
JT: I didn't have time to be scared. One moment, I'm looking at this big shiny blade and the next moment, I'm staring out from the wrong end of a toilet bowl.
ATP: I'm shuddering.
JT: Then there's this loud roar and the world just starts spinning. I'm going round and round. I'm tumbling end over end and then suddenly everything goes black.
ATP: She flushed you?
JT: Yeah, after all the things I'd done for her. The ingratitude. I mean why the hell did she take it out on me? I'll never understand it. I mean this guy's real problem was sitting on top of his shoulders, not hanging out between his legs.
ATP: Amen. You're preaching to the choir. How'd you manage to not get sent out into the sewer system.
JT: I managed to fix myself into that S-curve in the pipes. I just jammed myself in there. I don't know what I was hoping for, but I just knew that if I let go it was really over for me.
ATP: What were you thinking?
JT: I was surprisingly calm. I wasn't panicked or anything. Despite the stench down there, I managed to somehow make my peace. I don't know how long I was down there, but I was ready to just let it all go, when I heard all this noise. Then next you know, the whole world was shaking and then I was falling in the air and I found myself laying in the bathtub. Someone had taken apart the toilet, turned it over and dropped me into the tub.
ATP: You must have been relieved.
JT: I was never happier to see a pair of strange hands reaching for me. Let me tell you. Though the worst part was when they dropped me in that chest full of ice. Shit, that was cold. If I'd had anything to shrink back into I would have.
ATP: And they managed to reattach you.
JT: To the same fucking idiot I was connected to in the first place. You would have thought they'd find somebody else to connect me to, somebody with a little more god-damned sense, but no. Sometimes, I think I would have been better off in the hole.
ATP: And now you're doing better?
JT: I'm okay, a little depressed, but otherwise I'm fine, though that stupid son of a bitch actually tried to fiddle with me this morning. He should be restrained.
ATP: What would you say is the biggest lesson that you've learned from this?
JT: Besides knowing that I'm connected to the world's biggest nimrod, it has to be the fact that now I don't think that being flaccid is as bad of a thing as I used to think it was. Being a a little limp a little more often would have saved me a lot of trouble.
ATP: Thanks for taking the time to share your story with my readers.
JT: Thank you. It's great to know that our kind finally have a voice. I've got to go. We're due for another hit of morphine. These stitches are killing me.
posted by Angry Penis at 9:12 AM
<< Home